New Year, New Monkey

A Year of Writing

Did you know that it’s hard to come up with things to write?

One of my resolutions last year was to write more— and as I type these words I think, “Look at me go, I’m doing it, Pa! I’m flying like a bird!”

I only started writing more once I allowed myself to be bad at it. Like, what even is grammar or precision of language?

I’d rather write like I’m talking to a friend anyway. Leaning into that idea has really helped squash all the hypothetical haters that normally haunt my creative process.

I’ve come to learn that:

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• Hater monkey is an amalgam of all the bullying I witnessed growing up, alongside a heaping dose of internalized misogyny from a culture that systematically minimizes the value of women.

• Zen monkey is a new contender nurtured through therapy, self-reflection, and the kind words of loved ones who want me to thrive.

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Hater monkey used to rule my life. He comes from a place of fear.

If you have a hater monkey ruling your life you will likely be too afraid to share your art. It can stop you from creating or doing anything at all.

It’s like having an internet troll dictate your life. They tell you to STFU because anything can be criticized.

Hater monkey will barrage you with every deep dark fear of rejection you have. They are a broken record of things you’ve heard people say throughout your life. You don’t even need to have been bullied to struggle with these thoughts. Just being around negativity for too long can change your worldview.

But Zen monkey is the one worth listening to. They will remind you that there isn’t anything to lose most of the time, but you will feel empowered by showing up. You will feel empowered by allowing yourself the chance to be seen.

I love my Zen monkey, I listen to them more every day. Sometimes Zen monkey cavorts with Nihilistic monkey who reminds me that life is meaningless, so I might as well enjoy myself and spread joy and silliness with others.

Maybe I shouldn’t say, “life is meaningless” as much as, “the meaning of life is what you make it” and my meaning is making people smile. That makes me happy.

Happy New Year everybody!

Do you have anything you’re working toward in the new year?

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Listening to: