Diary Comics #4

History of The Girl Gamer

But oh. Oh, were they wrong.

We’ve been here all along.

Scheming in the shadows.

As little boys were tucked into bed at night they would ask their mothers:

“Mommy?”
”There aren’t REAL girl gamers out there?…. Are there?”

“Of course not dear.” Boomer mothers cooed ignorantly.

Flashback: It’s Christmas 1991 and Santa got you your first NES.

You remember it all like it was yesterday.

Except for one part.

Your little sister watching you from the shadows.

“Can I play?” she asked.

“Video games are for boys— go play with your dolls!” you bellowed.

And thus a tiny villain was born.

Eventually, all the sisters came together and started an evil collective to overthrow the video game industry.

This lost generation of girls devoted their lives to pretending to like video games.

Some of them going as far as to become game designers themselves.

They quickly became sick with power.

They became so sick they actually started to think they authentically enjoyed video games.

The Lost Girls Collective eventually fractured into different groups, then slowly reintegrated back into regular society.

Everything seemed still… for a while.

That is until scientists started finding peculiar traits among the offspring of the Lost Girls generation.

Scientists were given a trillion-dollar grant from the U.S. Military to figure out why these little girls were clearly such liars about liking video games.

The assumption was that the girls were just so deep in their own mothers’ indoctrination that maybe— on some sick, twisted level— they really were enjoying themselves… just clearly not for the right reasons.

“Eureka!” Flannigan Shitterbottom exclaimed one evening in 2004 as he concluded his now famous Harvard study, “Girls no Gamies”.

“Girls don’t like ‘real’ games!” He sobbed with rapture.

He quickly charted elaborate equations onto a blackboard.

“If my equations are correct, video games are only ‘real’ if boys play them! It’s all right here! It’s so simple!”

Later that same year Dr. Shitterbottom was given the Nobel Peace Prize for solving the most important question in modern human history.

And thus, finally, humanity was able to return to global peace.

Online trolls ceased to exist. Nuclear disarmament proliferated as countries shot all their atomic bombs into outer space. The top leaders of both Isreal and Palestine decided to hold a peace accord called, “Sharing is Caring”.

Everything in the world felt resolved and no one in the world had a tummy ache ever again.

Except for one tiny problem.

Girls were still gaming.

I mean, sure, we know now that their interest is inauthentic and the games they are playing aren’t “real games”, but some scientists just couldn’t let lying girl gamers lie.

In 2014 Dr. Shitterbottom was found dead in his study.

He had starved to death while manically re-assessing his old equations.

“I’m going to get to the shitterbottom of this or die trying!” was Flannigan’s last message to his discord server.

Future scientists were too afraid to even return to the subject, for it clearly drove all great scientists mad.

The topic was eventually dropped in 2873 C.E. after the intergalactic gamer girl wars of 2733 and 2872 respectively.

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Comments (Let’s Chat!):

• Is anyone here a gamer? If so, what are your favorite video games?

• Is my trauma from having been told repeatedly that my interests are fake showing?

• Has anyone ever made you feel bad for liking something?

• Can I play Animal Crossing now?

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